


For The Last Time, We're Not Gay!

by iheartmwpp



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Analysis, Gen, It's Possible You Know, Please Don't Kill Me, What if?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 15:12:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius and Remus sit Harry down for a long-overdue conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For The Last Time, We're Not Gay!

Disclaimer: I admit it, despite what I'm about to attempt to disprove, I would totally lock Remus and Sirius up and make them do unspeakable things to each other if I owned them. And if they existed. That is a rather important distinction to make, I feel.  
________________________________________

Harry hesitantly sat down and accepted the bottle of butterbeer Remus offered him. He had a feeling he knew why Sirius had called him back down to the kitchen after Snape left, and he wondered if he should just tell him and Remus that he already knew what they were about to say. Before he could speak, however, Remus had already started talking.

"Harry, we have something to tell you," he said, as Sirius glared at him.

"We agreed that I would be the one to tell him," he reminded Remus, who shrugged and motioned for him to continue. Sirius sighed and looked Harry straight in the eye as Harry waited for what he'd already expected to hear.

"We're…not gay," he announced.

Harry's jaw dropped.

"…What?"

"He said we're not gay," Remus echoed.

"You're…wait, seriously?"

"Yes, seriously! We are not gay, nor are we together!" Sirius yelled, clearly getting impatient. "Why does everyone think we are?"

"Do you want the short list or the long?" asked Harry matter-of-factly.

"There's a list?" asked Remus, blinking.

"Yep, Ginny's been working on one. It's quite a few pages, actually. Want me to go get it?"

Sirius groaned.

"How about you just tell us what you remember? I want to get this over with."

"Sounds good to me," said Harry, smirking.

"This is going to be a long night," muttered Remus, shaking his head.

"Okay, fire away, Harry," said Sirius, scowling as he took a swig from his butterbeer.

"Right. First, and most importantly, you two got me a joint Christmas present," Harry began.

"Is this your roundabout way of saying you don't like it?" asked Remus, grinning.

"What? No, I think it's great! It's just…it's from both of you."

"So?" Sirius sounded genuinely puzzled.

"…Hermione told me joint gifts are usually given by couples," said Harry, wondering why they weren't getting it.

"Harry," said Sirius, shaking his head slowly. "Don't you remember what I told you about Umbridge making things harder for werewolves?"

Harry blinked, closing his mouth and looking down. He had completely forgotten about that.

"Sirius provided the money while I went out to get the book," said Remus, looking more exhausted than usual all of a sudden.

"Since he can actually leave the house and all," Sirius spat bitterly.

"I…I'm sorry, I—"

"Don't worry about it," said Remus kindly.

"Next!" said Sirius, forcing a grin on his face.

"…Right, The next thing is that you live together…If one of you were a woman, we'd just naturally assume you were an item, though I suppose otherwise…"

"I wouldn't have anywhere else to go, yes," said Remus. He smiled softly as Harry continued to stare at his feet. "It's all right, Harry, I'm not as embarrassed about my lack of money as the Weasleys are."

Harry finally met his eyes and returned his smile.

"Next!" Sirius repeated, his grin not quite so forced anymore.

"Okay. Professor Lupin, you seemed really reluctant to talk about Sirius when I asked you if you knew him during our first dementor lesson."

"That's because I was surprised that you even knew that Sirius and James had been friends," said Remus. "You weren't supposed to know anything, even that he was supposedly after you."

"Which I wasn't!" cut in Sirius.

"Yes, Padfoot, we know that now."

"I know, I just felt like clarifying."

"…Okay then. Anyway," Remus went on, "If you had started demanding answers, I'm not sure that I would've been able to deny you. And…even fourteen years later, it's still hard to talk about what happened. I didn't want to reopen old wounds by talking about it, and I especially didn't want to think about how I thought I'd been betrayed by someone I considered a brother." It was his turn to send an apologetic look to Sirius, but he just waved it off.

"Is that why your briefcase slipped that one time I mentioned his name as well?" Harry wondered.

"I'm not in control of my emotions every second of every day, you know. And yes."

"But after all that, you seemed pretty quick to forgive him once you figured it out," said Harry. "You weren't still in denial like we were."

"Harry, I'd just seen the name of someone I believed to be dead for the past twelve years on the Map. Before I actually arrived in the Shack, I was trying to figure out why Peter hadn't contacted me, asking for my help or protection or anything. He had twelve years to let me know he was still alive, but he didn't. It was pretty easy to figure out that the only reason he'd hide from me was if he was the one responsible, not Sirius. It's a long walk from my old office to the Shrieking Shack," Remus finished.

"What about when you two finish each other's sentences later this year?" Harry protested.

"You and Hermione essentially do the same thing in Book Seven," Sirius countered. "Are you two together?"

"What? No, of course not, she's like my sister!"

"And Remus is like my brother. And he's a right side better than Regulus ever was, not that that's all that hard…"

"I'm going to assume that was a compliment," said Remus, grinning wryly. The grin suddenly slipped off his face. "Wait a minute, what happened to the fourth wall?"

"We had a fourth wall?" Sirius answered.

"Good point."

"Another one!" Harry cut in. "You two are always together. Like, all the time."

"We. Hadn't. Seen. Each other. In. Twelve. Years," said Sirius slowly. "I've been completely out of the loop from that time, Remus is probably trying to catch me up and is telling me about you while he's at it. Also, I most likely never got a chance to fully get over James and Lily's deaths on account of the dementors, so Remus would be helping me with that as well."

"And it's not like you, Ron, and Hermione aren't always together," Remus countered. "Especially you and Ron. And do you two get shipped together a lot?"

"…Not especially, no," Harry admitted. "Even if you search on fanfiction dot net for us it's usually friendship fics. Which is kind of surprising to be honest."

"True dat, yo," said Sirius. Harry rolled his eyes, and sat up in shock when he suddenly remembered something.

"Hang on," he said, turning to Sirius. "When I got back from the graveyard, Dumbledore told you to 'Lie low at Lupin's.' So you used to have a place but you don't anymore?" he finished, facing Remus once more.

"Iunno," Remus admitted. "Maybe I did and the rent just managed to run out after Sirius caught up with me. Hell, maybe I actually have parents I could return to if I was ever in a bind."

"I doubt it," said Sirius. "Sorry, mate, but I think they would've been mentioned after you married Tonks."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Siblings, maybe?"

"Hermione's convinced you have an older twin brother named Romulus," supplied Harry.

"Kindly dissuade her of that idea," said Remus. "Although that's a great idea for an alias…"

"No it's not," Sirius scoffed. "Anyone with a basic knowledge of Roman mythology would see through it in an instant."

"…Shut up, it's cool."

"No, it's really not. It's stupid."

"You're stupid!"

"So back to our later conversation in this book," Harry pressed on, turning to Sirius and ignoring Remus's sudden OOC-ness, "you were really harsh about yourself and my dad, but you didn't have anything bad to say about Professor Lupin."

"I did criticize him, actually, I just said he wasn't as bad as James and I were," Sirius defended. "I'm probably one of those people who thinks that, if you don't actually do anything, you're less guilty, even though it's actually just as bad if not worse."

"And when Lupin told you that you were wrong, you immediately tried to reassure him that he still wasn't as bad as you and dad."

"Hee hee, that rhymed," giggled Sirius, earning him a thwack on the head from Remus. "Ow! What'd I do, what'd I do?"

"And that's really not anything special," said iheartmwpp, turning this chapter into a self-insert oneshot of sheer stupidity. "Me and Raven do stuff like that all the time, and we're bestest friendly-friends. I always think my writing sucks, and she always reassures me otherwise, unless of course it really does suck. As far as I can tell, bestest friendly-friends are supposed try to make you feel better about yourself, especially if they know you have shit self-esteem; you don't have to be in a romantic relationship."

"He didn't really defend Dad all that much on that front, though, and I thought they were even betterer bestest friendly-friends," protested Harry.

Sirius snorted.

"As if James needed a self-esteem boost," he scoffed.

"Why did you never try to stop them from being stupid, anyway?" asked Harry, turning back to Remus.

"Because they were literally my only friends and I was paranoid that they'd leave me at a moment's notice as soon as they realized what a monster I was?" answered Remus.

"How many times do I have to tell you that would never happen unless there were circumstances beyond our control?" Sirius yelled at him.

"Gay," Harry proclaimed as Remus dug a finger into his ear.

"Brothers!" Sirius insisted. "James said it too, and…well, Pettigrew admittedly did fulfill that paranoia, but James and I never did!"

"And weren't you afraid of what your friends' reactions might've been if you told them you were nearly sorted into Slytherin in your second year?" asked Remus, psychically knowing everything that ever happened ever because he's just that awesome. “Especially with all of the Heir of Slytherin business and shit?"

"I guess you're right. And that's not even mentioning all of the fanfiction where I'm scared of your reactions to that little tidbit."

"Sirius does tend to go a little over the top, doesn't he?" Remus mused. "And the only thing that comforts him in a lot of them is that you did, in fact, make Gryffindor."

"Why would I care, though?" said Sirius, puzzled. "I told you my favorite cousin was Andromeda, and she was in Slytherin with the rest of the family. I was literally the first to avoid it, not counting the extended family."

"I think half the fandom is still convinced she was in Ravenclaw or something," said Harry.

"Ah."

"My turn! Next!" cried Remus giddily.

"Okay, how about this one then," Harry went on. "When you and Mrs. Weasley fought my first night here, Professor Lupin was staring at you the entire time." Harry leaned back in his chair and smiled smugly, confident that there was no way they would be able to counter this one. Not that this would stop iheart from trying.

"That is a bit creepy, mate," Sirius admitted, looking to Remus for his inevitable explanation.

"The number of fights you and James got into with Severus and various other Slytherins probably prepared me for such confrontations," said Remus, rolling his eyes. "The conversation was getting rather heated, and I could tell that all the stress, plus the falling out with Percy, was getting to Molly. It was only a matter of time before she said something she'd regret. And I know you too well," he said, shooting a glare at Sirius. "If Molly pushed the wrong buttons—which she did—you would retaliate, probably with a good hex or even a punch in the face. I had to keep an eye on you so I could restrain you when that inevitably happened. As luck would have it, I scolded you and James enough times, presumably, that you listened to me telling you to sit down out of habit."

"I was gonna bring that up too, actually," Harry cut in. "Sirius always seems to listen to you, it's like you have him completely whipped or something."

"Oi!"

"Which instances are you referring to?" asked Remus, pointedly ignoring Sirius.

"The Shrieking Shack, mostly."

"That's because Remus reminded me that I owed you the truth about everything," said Sirius. "I calmed down and let Remus go through our backstory for your sake, not specifically because he told me to."

"Oh…thanks," muttered Harry, touched.

"Don't mention it. Also, next!"

Harry rolled his eyes at his godfather's antics, as he tried to recall what else Ginny had put on her list. He turned to Remus.

"You were willing to kill to kill Pettigrew alongside Sirius in the Shack, but you tried to tell me that not even Sirius deserved the Dementor's kiss back when we thought he was guilty."

"Wait, you wanted the Dementor's Kiss used on me?" Sirius cried out, staring incredulously at Harry.

"I'm sorry, I thought you'd killed my parents!" said Harry, holding up his hands.

"I understand, but…Jesus! That is so much worse than death!"

"I believe that too," said Remus, "and I also believe I told you that it was a fate worse than death. I may not be above revenge, but Sirius and I were planning on giving Peter a quick death, not subject him to the horrors of the Dementor's Kiss. Also, I was a freaking professor at the time, I'm not allowed to teach my students a little about ethics?"

"Of course not," said Sirius, "that would make you actually competent, and we can't have that at Hogwarts."

"Touché."

"Oh, is that also one of the reasons you didn't tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus?" Harry realized. "You wanted to protect him from that fate, no matter what he'd done?"

"Yep. Actually, I think I might've wanted to catch him and finish him off myself, as opposed to letting the dementors do all the work. Once I'd gotten the full story out of him, of course, since the nature of his betrayal had bothered me for over a decade."

"…I think I should be comforted by that, but I'm not entirely sure…" said Sirius, beginning to inch away from Remus, who grinned cheekily at him.

"You listed Sirius before Dad a lot," Harry went on, still addressing Remus, "especially in the Shrieking Shack."

"So? Everyone always lists you, Ron and Hermione as Harry, Ron and Hermione. Maybe Sirius and James just sounds better than James and Sirius. Also, once enough time has passed, the dead are usually an afterthought, no matter how close you might have been to them at one point, which most certainly seems to be the case with us and Sirius in Book Six."

"Oh thanks, that means so much to me," Sirius muttered sarcastically.

"You're welcome."

"And when I mentioned Remus before James in the Shack that one time," Sirius added after punching Remus in the arm, "I was trying to threaten that rat with the people who were actually in front of him that could cause him major bodily harm, as opposed to someone who could no longer hurt him. I knew that would be more effective."

"Oh, okay, I guess that makes sense," said Harry.

"And I actually have proof of my own to say randomly because somehow I totally know what's going to happen after I'm dead," continued Sirius as he looked over at Remus. "Though I have to say I'm actually a little pissed that you freaked out more when Dumbledore died than when I died."

"Hey, I was kind of busy trying to prevent your godson from accidentally committing suicide!" Remus insisted. "And did you miss the narrative describing every word I said causing me great pain?"

"I'd say gay if I didn't have sort of a similar reaction," Harry admitted.

"Exactly! I'd just lost my last best friend again! I'd considered him to be as good as dead for a dozen years, and I'd finally gotten him back for barely two! Of course I'd be heartbroken all over again, since I'd always considered the Marauders to be all I had!"

"What are Tonks, Teddy, and I, chopped liver?" asked Harry incredulously.

"Next-door neighbors," Remus grinned, stealing one of George's better lines.

"Oh, okay. But your treatment of Tonks is kind of another reason people think you're in love with Sirius and never got over him, you know."

"Yeah, notice that she starts pining at the start of Book Six, which begins right after Sirius dies. I'd probably want more time to properly grieve over my last friend's death. Also, my reasons for not wanting to be with Tonks in the first place are kind of legitimate concerns."

"Dude, age ain't nothin' but a number," said Sirius.

"It is if you're almost an adult and you fall in love with a newborn," muttered Harry.

"…That's the stupidest and creepiest thing I think I've ever heard in my life, and I hang out with Sirius."

"Stop picking on me!" Sirius whined, but Remus ignored him.

"Yeah, Hermione told me it was in this Muggle book Parvati and Lavender are obsessed with. The series is so bad that even Hermione couldn't finish the first book."

"…Holy shit," said Remus as Sirius gave a low whistle.

"No kidding, Ron started wolfing down his food as fast as he could because he was convinced the world was ending."

"I don't blame him," muttered Sirius.

"Anyway, getting back to the matter at hand—" began Harry, but Sirius cut him off.

"Why, what's the matter with your hand?" His laugh ended with a wince. "OW! Moony, stop kicking me!"

"ANYWAY! If it's between two consenting adults, I don't see a problem either."

"And Tonks has a job," Sirius added. "Why would you have to be the one that provides for the family, you chauvinist pig?"

"Okay, okay, but what about the most important part? I'm kind of a fucking werewolf."

"Do you still refuse to notice that no one who knows you cares about that?" said Sirius, looking annoyed.

"She can just stay away from you once a month and stay with you the rest of the time, what's wrong with that?" added Harry.

"I don't want her to deal with the bigotry I'm forced to every second of the day?" Remus pointed out

"I really don't think she cares, mate," said Sirius. "I know you do, and I know you want to look out for her well-being, but I think she feels that as long as she's with you, nothing else matters."

"And I know I'll yell at you later when you have your little freak-out in The Chapter That Shall Not Be Mentioned, but I think we need to talk about how you spoke of Tonks with a tone that was 'bordering on indifference,' since that's what most people point to when they say you never loved her to begin with."

"If I never loved her, I don't think I would've agreed to something as serious as marriage, even if I did want her to shut up," protested Remus. "They should go read Pottermore, I absolutely love her, she’s the woman of my bloody dreams."

"Then why were you speaking so coldly in reference to her?" pressed Harry.

"I was trying to escape from the guilt that I might've passed my lycanthropy onto an innocent child!" shouted Remus, suddenly angry. "If all the fanfics that compare the transformation to the Cruciatus Curse were true, and even Pottermore describes it as excruciating, then think of how an infant would have to deal with that amount of agony! If Teddy had been born a werewolf, he might not've even survived his first month! Did you ever think that I didn't want to deal with the pain of losing my first and only child so soon if it came to that? I was trying to distance myself from Dora and our child in any way I could, and if that meant pretending not to care for them in the slightest, so be it!"

"…I think if you'd mentioned anything like that in Book Seven, I probably would've been more sympathetic to your point of view," said Harry softly as Remus shrugged hopelessly.

"Well, what's done is done, and fanfiction can take care of the rest," said Sirus, taking another swig of butterbeer. "Are we getting close to the end of the list yet?"

"Okay, this one I noticed myself," said Harry, eager to change the subject. "Lupin's the only one who had to tap the door to Grimmauld Place to make it open, everyone else had to ring the doorbell to get it."

"Untrue, sir!" Sirius said dramatically. "I keep telling everyone not to ring the doorbell and Remus is the only one who actually listens."

"…Well crap, there went my one contribution to the list."

"Did Ginny come up with the rest of them, then?" asked Remus, sounding genuinely curious and a little frightened as well.

"I know she and Hermione came up with most of it, though Ron and the twins came up with their fair share of points as well."

"I'm not sure I even want to know what the twins think about all this," moaned Sirius.

"That translates to him totally wanting to know what the twins think about all this," said Remus, grinning.

"Oh. Um…" Harry blushed. "This is them, not be, but…well, you both basically turn into canines, and…yeah…"

"…OH GOD WHY." yelled Sirius, turning a very odd shade of green.

Remus hung his head in his hands.

"Never listen to anything they tell you ever again," he said in a muffled voice.

"Duly noted," said Harry, also wanting to forget everything. The three of them hurriedly downed the rest of their butterbeers in silence for a bit as they attempted to banish that part of the conversation from their minds.

"Look, Harry," began Sirius at last, "Remus and I do love each other, we're not denying that. It's just…neither of us are gay, nor do we have any romantic interest in each other. We're brothers, we always have been, aside from that noticeable gap we'd all like to forget about, and we always will be."

"I think I understand," said Harry. "But…you do know I wouldn't have a problem if you two were gay, right?"

"Of course, Harry," said Remus. "We know how accepting you are, and I'm sure we wouldn't have hesitated to tell you if we were."

"Okay, thanks," said Harry, getting up from the table. "Now the only problem is crushing everyone else's hopes and dreams," he added, grinning.

"Have fun with that!" Sirius let out a laugh like a bark as Harry went upstairs to break the news to everyone else.

Remus sighed, running his hands through his steadily graying hair.

"Well that went well," he reflected.

"Yep."

They were silent for a moment.

"…You don't think Fred and George saw us that one time, do you?" said Remus hesitantly.

"Nah, they were probably just joking around, I think we're safe," Sirius insisted.

"Cool. But I still think we should've told Harry the truth."

"And miss the opportunity to fuck with his head?" Sirius laughed again. "Not a chance in hell!"

The two laughed together and started snogging passionately, which turned into them having wild hot monkey sex on the kitchen table. All was well.  
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A/N: This is the closest I will probably ever get to writing a lemon. Hopefully. ^_^

So in the US edition of Prisoner of Azkaban, bottom of page 343, "Then Lupin spoke, in a very tense voice." In the UK version, on I have no idea what page, the quote apparently reads, "Then Lupin spoke, in an odd voice, a voice that shook with some suppressed emotion."

…

Yeah, I got nothing.


End file.
